On Fathers' Day, you are supposed to give presents and cards to your fathers and do nice things for them.
Originally, you were just supposed to give them a card.
Now, according to the adverts on Facebook, on Fathers' Day, you are meant to give your father iPads and expensive secret cameras to spy on Mummy.
Facebook doesn't seem to understand about pocket money. Or having a soul.
On Fathers' Day, Mummy is woken up by ominous noises.
"What are you doing?" says Mummy.
"We are making breakfast for Daddy." says Peter.
"And we have made him beautiful cards." says Jane.
"Oh." says Mummy, as she surveys the egg and glitter smeared wasteland that was once her kitchen "That is nice."
Daddy is woken up to eat his breakfast.
"It is delicious, isn't it." says Jane.
Daddy smiles bravely as he chokes down the scrambled egg that is more shell than egg.
"Mmmmm, yummy." says Daddy.
"Mummy, do you want some scrambled egg? There is lots." says Peter.
Mummy knows there is lots of scrambled egg, because she has seen the kitchen. Unfortunately most of the scrambled egg is splattered over the floor and ceiling, rather than in the pan.
"No thank you." says Mummy. Today is Fathers' Day, and Mummy is going to make Daddy make the most of it "I think Daddy would like seconds."
Daddy glares at Mummy.
Peter and Jane have made Fathers' Day presents for Daddy.
"Here you are, Daddy." says Peter.
"Oh" says Daddy, as he surveys the brown poo shaped object Peter is proffering. "Thank you. What it is?"
"It is a poo, that I made out of clay." says Peter.
"Are you sure it is made out of clay?" says Daddy nervously.
"Do you like my present?" says Jane.
"Oh yes!" says Daddy "It is lovely. It is the loveliest thing covered in glitter I have ever seen. What is it meant to be?"
"It is meant to be A Thing Covered In Glitter" says Jane indignantly "Will you keep it and treasure it forever?"
"Oh yes" says Daddy, as he thrusts the dried poo that may or may not be made of clay and the Thing Covered In Glitter in a drawer until enough time has passed that they can be binned without guilt.
Peter and Jane and Mummy and Daddy have gone out for a special Fathers' Day lunch.
Everyone else in the restaurant has also gone out for a special Fathers' Day lunch.
There are 26,000 children running amok around the restaurant.
"Can we run amok?" ask Peter and Jane.
"No!" hisses Mummy "We are middle fucking class, you will give the impression that you are used to eating in restaurants and have been snacking on foie gras and raspberry jus since the first day I lovingly introduced the baby led weaning. We will never mention the Heinz jars. SIT."
Ten minutes later Mummy says "Oh fuck it, run amok, just stop talking at me."
Lunch has arrived.
As the waitress brings the food to the table, Peter and Jane play a fun game called 'Trip up the poor girl carrying the hot food for the minumum wage.'
"Oh, I am sorry, they are very high spirited." says Mummy.
"It is fine." says the waitress. She has learnt to hide the murder in her eyes.
Peter and Jane said they did not like anything on the children's menu, and insisted on ordering from the proper menu.
"This has bits in." says Peter.
"I think I just want chicken nuggets." says Jane.
Daddy has paid the enormous bill for lunch and feels another part of his soul die inside.
"Can I go home and watch TV now?" says Daddy.
"No." say Peter and Jane. "Now you must bond with us, and create happy memories for us all to treasure."
"FML." says Daddy.
"Ha ha ha ha!" says Mummy "I am going to watch Game of Thrones. Have fun, Daddy!"